Anyone who knows me well, knows I love to write. Words have always come easy for me when written. Verbally, I can’t articulate my thoughts as coherently, so finding words to express myself in a face to face conversation can be a challenge sometimes. I’m not quite sure why that is, but I think it’s partially due to the fact that my brain is constantly overthinking. Since my mind is always racing with thoughts, similarly of course, my heart is always full of the emotions my thoughts bring forth. Writing allows me time to sort and organize my thoughts and feelings.
I started this blog to encourage others and to share my own person journey of growth. To show my readers that God doesn’t expect perfection and that we should never feel alone or unworthy. But, somehow along the way I felt like I became a failure to God and I lost my voice. My words became utter confusion and I was incapable of writing anything that I felt would bless another.
A Christian is a follower of Christ and as Christians we strive to “Live like Jesus”, but as humans we will always fall short.
And I did. I became pregnant in December, 2017 with my 2nd child out of wedlock. The church teaches that sex before marriage is a sin and due to that I felt unworthy. I knew God loved me, but I felt that I failed in following him the way he desired I should. I always thought that you were supposed to be married to have children. Yet in my search for love as an unwed woman, I gave birth to two beautiful girls who are 21 years apart.
You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13
The birth of a child [new life] is one of the most beautiful treasures you will ever experience.
My girls are my world. There is no greater beauty to me than their lives. But, the enemy took hold of my mind and caused me to feel like I was a failure since I was unwed. I was at the end of my senior year in high school when I became pregnant with my firstborn, and with my second daughter I’d just turned 39, an age which I held myself accountable due to wanting to do it “the right way”.
After raising my first daughter as a single mom, I told myself that I’d wait until marriage if I were ever again blessed with the opportunity to have a second child, but it didn’t end up that way for me. I became pregnant and had my second daughter out of wedlock as well.
Did that make me a failure? Did it mean I failed God? I felt that way. But I longed for a bigger family and to have more children, so although part of me was scared and felt that I failed God again, having a new life growing within me made another part of me feel as though a hunger was filled.
My second pregnancy occurred at a time when I thought it would never again happen for me. At a time when I’d just found peace and the acceptance that I was only meant to have one child. Or so I thought…
Internally, I was happy at this chance to be a mom again, but fear consumed my mind. I battled thoughts of failure over not setting the proper example for my then college student. My feelings of being a failure to God and my daughter stole my ability so show my inner joy.
So many thoughts consumed my mind; would I end up a single mom again? Would this man and I ever get married? Was this the man God intended for me to build a family with? Would my daughter be angry with me? Would my daughter see me as a failure for teaching her one thing and then doing another? I was not leading by example.
My mind was so loud and I felt no peace. But I knew I had to be strong. Despite the internal battle going on, I knew God was with me and that he had a plan I couldn’t see.
My partner could not understand this spiritual battle I was having within and so my battle caused strain over our relationship. At a time when I should only display happiness and gratitude, I didn’t know how to.
As months passed my new precious baby girl grew in my womb. The first time I felt her move I knew that she was “life” and that she was meant to be here. Her life was precious and I realized she was not the result of my failure. She was a blessing.
When she was born I knew from the moment I set my eyes on her that she was my gift from God. My reminder that life and love are gifts from above. And just because they don’t come in the perfect package we expected them in, that doesn’t mean we should feel shame.
No one is free from sin. We are all flawed. So why did I battle with feeling as though I were less than another woman just because I was not married? Perhaps it was because my sin was visible for all to see while others hide behind their’s. Perhaps it was because I thought people would think there was a “way” to do it.
On this journey of becoming a new mom at the age of 39, I had to learn say, “So what!!” I came to see that I had to loose some close friends in order to be reminded that God didn’t think I was a failure. He loved me just as much as he ever had.
I ‘d been allowing guilt and condemnation to hang over me like a cloud, rather than just asking God to forgive me for my human weakness and to bless my precious gift. In the hospital, the first night I spent holding my little angel Caasi in my arms, I did just that. I gave God praise and thanks for this second chance to be a mom again. And I vowed to teach my baby girl of the Lord’s unfailing love and to always seek his will for her life as she grew.
Through loosing the bond with friends I thought were dear to me, I was reminded that no human on earth has the right to label another a failure. They aren’t the author of our story, and you know what else, neither are we. So I praise God today for his grace, patience and unfailing love.
God has the final say. And he loves us without conditions and has a plan for each of us! Jerimiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Today I know just how blessed I truly am. I wasn’t a failure for having my daughters out of wedlock. I was chosen by God to be a mother. He has purpose for my life and for the lives of both of my precious daughters. My joy overflows as I watch both of them grow into who God created for them to be.
ℝ𝕖𝕗𝕝𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟: Have you ever felt like you let someone down and failed them? How did you handle those feelings? Negative feelings are hard to process and many times we are far harder on ourselves than anyone else is. We all have goals and expectations for our lives. The next time you feel you failed at meeting one of these goals or expectations, try not to allow fear or condemnation to consume you. Remind yourself who you are, whose you are and just how strong you are with God.
Special Note to Mothers:
Never forget that being a Mom takes strength, devotion, dedication and sacrificial love. Motherhood is both an honor and a blessing. When God chose you be Mom he gave you a purpose. Purpose that is greater than anything you could ever imagine. The purpose of motherhood is to love like Jesus: Moms love sacrificially and focus on our children. When days seem hard or near impossible, call upon the Lord. He will equip you with the strength needed to endure your situation. God blessed you with Motherhood because he knew you were capable and worthy of being called, Mama. Life is precious to God. Thank him for this calling and enjoy the beautiful journey!
Thank you for your unconditional, unfailingly love. Father thank you for the gift of life and the gift of motherhood. I lift up anyone right now in this moment who is battling feelings of failure, fear or feelings of unworthiness. Remind them today that you did not call us to be perfect, but you did call us to seek you as our savior and to allow you to lead our lives. Father remind all who are hurting that you will work all things out for their good if they seek you and call upon your name. Remind them that all life is precious. Strengthen and renew their spirits, Father God, so that they may walk in freedom and experience your love to the fullest.
In Jesus name we pray,
Growing with you,